What do I do when a students’ parent doesn’t like me? (And I’m the teacher!)
When I’m driving I try to practice this habit: Whenever someone cuts me off, or is driving as if they own the road, I think of a reason that would justify driving that way.
A couple cuts me off... Maybe she's in labor and they are en route to the hospital.
A woman in business attire is going way over the speed limit... She's probably on the way to a huge presentation and her job depends on it.
A man is texting and seems distracted... He’s probably texting his wife for the theater address so he can get to his daughter’s dance recital in time to see her solo.
Do I practice this every time I'm in traffic? No. (I wish!) Are the scenarios always true? Probably not. But they could be! And how silly would I feel being mad at someone for cutting me off if I knew they were racing to the hospital to have a baby?!
I do this for three reasons:
Their behavior does not need to change my emotions or my behavior. Just because they are driving erratically doesn't mean I have to feel angry, start cursing at them, or cutting other people off to catch up.
There’s almost always a reason for the behavior. Maybe it’s not the reason I gave but maybe it was a bad day at work or just general life distractions - people almost always have reasons why they do the things they do.
We are all humans. Goodness knows I’ve been the distracted driver before or accidentally cut someone off. My only speeding ticket was after I had just broken up with a college boyfriend. We all make mistakes and wish others would grant us grace in those moments instead of assuming we are just awful people.
You are going to have some great, easy parent relationships. Parents you instantly click with the second you meet them. Or parents that shower you with gifts and cards throughout the year to make you feel appreciated. You will also have parents that are not so easy. Maybe they are always short with you or seem defensive or choose to believe their kid over you. As a teacher, you practice having empathy towards your students day in and day out. Remember the parents are deserving of this treatment too!
Just like I do on the road, if a parent behaves in a way that hurts my feelings, I stop and think about why they may have acted that way.
When a parent barely says two words to me on the phone and instead does a lot of “mhmms” or “OK”... Maybe they are trying to meet a work deadline, or maybe they're watching three kids and the two-year-old found markers and they are trying to cook dinner all at the same time.
The parent is defensive and shifts blame to you... Maybe they feel embarrassed or caught off guard by your communication and they react with their coping mechanism. Maybe they hear this same thing every year and they are frustrated it’s not different this year. Maybe they had a bad school experience and are projecting that on you.
Whatever the reason, I want you to try to remember:
Their behavior does not need to change my emotions or my behavior. Just because other people are experiencing emotions doesn't mean those emotions have to become yours. Try to listen through the mess to see what truth might be behind the parent’s words.
There’s almost always a reason for the behavior. Listen with a soft heart. This is where the empathy comes in. The vast majority of parents truly, deeply love their kids and want to see them succeed. This is why it is so important to remember you are partnering with them, not on separate teams.
We are all humans. We all have bad days and plates that are overflowing with things to do. Don’t stop trying to build a relationship just because it's hard or you have one bad interaction. Some parents are happy to be your BFF from night one, but most will take time just like any relationship. It’s a year-long undertaking. Don’t give up.
80% of my parent relationships across my career have been fairly smooth, 15% took some elbow grease, 4.8% never really communicated but were amicable, and 0.2% didn’t ever develop. OK, I kind of guesstimated those percentages but out of all of my years of teaching, there was only ONE family that was so hard a relationship just wasn't possible. One. And if that happens to you, it’s ok.
It’s ok to have a principal or the school counselor sit in on meetings with them if you feel uncomfortable. I did that. It’s ok to sometimes get your feelings hurt and need to talk to another teacher about it to help you process. It’s all a learning process. As you go, you will learn different strategies for building relationships and handling those tougher moments.
Oh, about that "one" family? Even though we had a couple tough meetings, we made it through the year. Turns out, I learned near the end of the year that the parents were going through a messy divorce and that whole time - all those rude comments - were never really about me.
Parent Communication can be one of the more intimidating parts of teaching, especially when you have a year with a situation like I just described, BUT it can also be one of the most rewarding parts. When we can start to really see each other as complex humans that just want to care for these kiddos in the best ways we know how - the resulting relationships can be so much more meaningful.
Feeling overwhelmed at the thought of tough conversations? Drop your email below and I’ll send you my free Parent Communication Guide (with printables!) to help you throughout the school year!
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